Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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