Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
