I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
