Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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