At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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