why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
