also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
