May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
