You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Randomize
