The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
