i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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