So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
