you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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