Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
