the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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