Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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