meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
