Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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