Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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