Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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