Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize