So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
