Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
