the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
