Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
