So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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