I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
So many bounce houses so little time
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
