I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
