dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
