They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
