he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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