i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
