i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
