why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
