You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
