so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
