Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
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