I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
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