my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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