that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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