Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize