just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
