Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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