Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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