he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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