I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
