Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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