As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
