she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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