I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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