I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
