time to smoke my breakfast
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
