It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i will never coherently bang her
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
