Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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