I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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