Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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