ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
