He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Never let your siblings swipe right.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
