So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
